“I have learned that if you must leave a place that you have lived in and loved…leave it any way except a slow way. Leave it the fastest way you can. Never turn back, and never believe that an hour you remember is a better hour because it is dead. Passed years seem safe ones, vanquished ones, while the future lives in a cloud, formidable from a distance. The cloud clears as you enter it. I have learned this but, like everyone, I learned it late.”
-Beryl Markham West With the Night
For the past year (give or take a few months of trips home) I have been living in Orlando. I returned in December 2006 after having lived there for 8 months in 2002 while I interned at Disney. Although I had one hell of a great time this past year, the exact reason why I wanted (or seemed to need) to return was something I couldn’t explain. I’ve known since the moment I stepped my foot back into NJ after my internship ended that there was going to be a point which I would return to Florida. Unfortunately for me, nothing that I did helped me figure out that nagging question of why I felt that way, so I figured if I jumped right in and did it, the answer would come to me. How ironic that it was only when I was packing to leave that everything finally became clear.
Orlando is a wonderful city. There’s a lot to do, people are friendly, and 75% of the time, the weather is awesome. I have a lot of great memories from my college program and I have even more amazing memories as a child on family vacations. When I think back on all of those experiences, I cannot help but smile. But as I packed up and got ready to come back, I started to feel bad that I was leaving again. I almost didn’t understand it myself, until I realized why. As ridiculous as it may sound, what it’s been all along, all of these years that I wanted to get back, was because I was missing my memories that the place brings up for me.
That explains why when I was actually living there- although I was enjoying it- it felt like something major was missing. Sure I have wonderful friends who live there- friends who are so close that it no longer feels as if we aren’t related. I truly love them all. However, despite that- for some reason I was never able to make my lifestyle mesh with any of theirs. I have a routine of things that I love to do with the people in my life, things we’ve always done, like Sunday brunches, movie nights, happy hours, quick emails in the middle of the day during work, monthly ‘catch up dinners’ etc. In a way I took this for granted because I considered this universal stuff that was done everywhere because everyone in my life up north does it. To my surprise, I was wrong. Things in the south are much different. Everything is done on such a casual –maybe, wait and see, oh we can do it later or next weekend basis- that it makes you feel as though no one cares about seeing you or doing anything ever. I know the tendency is to think that everyone up in the northeast is caught up in a rat race with no time for anyone else but their bank account, but that conception is wrong. We may be busy up here, but we’re great multitaskers. Work, ambition, family, relationships and friendship are all things we can handle at the same time. Why? We want the complete life up here. Does it always happen with every single person? No, but we want to be the best at everything, so we try. Now believe me when I say that I didn’t take these revelations personally; it’s another life lesson that I’ve learned, one that I can make into a broader observation which makes a lot more sense: People are never going to be what you wish for them to be, they are only going to be what they already are. Does that suck? Yes, it does, but, as the saying goes, take it or leave it. I obviously chose the latter.
Does that mean that I don’t love Orlando? No, I love it. I will go back frequently and visit because it is a great place. Does that mean that I don’t love living in Florida? Surprisingly, no. Does that mean that I care any less for the ones I love who live there? Of course not. It does mean that I don’t belong there, at least for now. Maybe someday after I’ve achieved my career goals, settled down, and am looking for a relaxing life, I’ll be back. In the meantime, I’m going to plan for Sunday brunch, send a quick email to a few of my favs, break out the movies, hug my dog and put on a heavy coat before I go out for happy hour… one thing that’s not so great about up here, is that the weather is absolutely awful.
